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Apologetic God: ‘I take full responsibility for the way I conducted myself in the Old Testament’

VATICAN CITY, ITALY – God has issued an apology after a series of old statements in which he joked about topics including pedophilia and rape resurfaced — and resulted in Christians everywhere severing ties with the holy father.

The move comes as other public figures, such as James Gunn, face public backlash over statements they made years ago.

The Heavenly Father expressed remorse for his past statements and actions, although it appears the damage has already been done.

“Nobody’s perfect,” said God.

“My words of nearly a ago were, at the time, totally failed and unfortunate efforts to be provocative,” God, who deleted his Twitter account on Friday, said in a statement obtained exclusively by Alternative Science.

Some of the past statements include dictating that a rapist must pay his victim’s father the equivalent of $390 and marry his victim, only if he’s caught in the act:

If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, he shall pay her father fifty shekels of silver. He must marry the young woman, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives. (Deuteronomy 22:28-29 )

“I have regretted them for many years since — not just because they were stupid, not at all funny, wildly insensitive, and certainly not provocative like I had hoped, but also because they don’t reflect the person I am today or have been for some time.”

He continued: “Regardless of how much time has passed, I understand and accept the business decisions taken today. Even these many years later, I take full responsibility for the way I conducted myself in the Old Testament.”

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Critics dug up old statements made by God that had previously been ignored for centuries, which caused modern-day uproar:

When Sihon and all his army came out to meet us in battle at Jahaz, the LORD our God delivered him over to us and we struck him down, together with his sons and his whole army. At that time we took all his towns and completely destroyed them—men, women and children. We left no survivors. But the livestock and the plunder from the towns we had captured we carried off for ourselves. From Aroer on the rim of the Arnon Gorge, and from the town in the gorge, even as far as Gilead, not one town was too strong for us. The LORD our God gave us all of them. (Deuteronomy 2:32-33)

“All I can do now, beyond offering my sincere and heartfelt regret, is to be the best human being I can be: accepting, understanding, committed to equality, and for more thoughtful about my public statements and my obligations to our public discourse. To everyone inside my industry and beyond, I again offer my deepest apologies. Love to all.”

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His holiness had previously threatened sexual assault against women who he felt violated his laws:

Moreover the Lord saith, Because the daughters of Zion are haughty, and walk with stretched forth necks and wanton eyes, walking and mincing as they go, and making a tinkling with their feet: Therefore the Lord will smite with a scab the crown of the head of the daughters of Zion, and the Lord will discover their secret parts. (Isaiah 3:16-17)

The Pope confirmed the Catholic Church’s schism with the creator of Heaven and Earth  yesterday on Twitter:

“The offensive attitudes and statements discovered in the Old Testament are indefensible and inconsistent with our Christian values, and we have severed our business relationship with the holy father,” the Pope said.

God’s past statements were dug up on Thursday by people who have actually taken the time to read the Bible instead of regurgitating the parts that God’s supporters have cherry picked for centuries. The deity had previously found staunch support from conservatives who, until now, took these cherry picked statements and manipulated them to fit their own personal biases and beliefs.

Some of these “people who actually read the books that others constantly cite as their moral compass” pointed out that the New Testament hasn’t improved much on the Old Testament’s mistakes. This has included:

God endorsing slavery:

Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ. (Ephesians 6:5)

God advocating self-dismemberment:

And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell. (Matthew 5:30)

And, a staple of God’s, advocating or misogyny from those pesky women who have a tendency to get a bit uppity:

Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience as also saith the law. And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church. (1 Corinthians 14:34-35)

God’s representatives did not respond to further requests for comments.


Written by Dan Broadbent

Science Enthusiast. Atheist. Lover of cats.

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