REPORT: DOJ debating charging Trump as an adult
WASHINGTON, DC – On the heels of Michael Cohen’s guilty plea, the Department of Justice is rumored to be discussing whether or not they should charge president Donald Trump as an adult once he’s formally indicted.
“It’s really not a matter of if we’re going to indict president Trump, but a matter of how we go about doing it,” said attorney general Jeff Sessions, head of the Department of Justice. “What it comes down to is the fact that president Trump’s behavior is really more consistent with a 13 year old kid who just gained access to social media, rather than a 72 year old man who has the ability to start World War III.”
Divide by zero and embrace the void with our all-over print shirt, on sale for a limited time in our store!
Sessions continued, adding “never before in the history of the DOJ have we had so much trouble trying to determine how old the President of the United States actually is. Perhaps if president Trump would publicly release his birth certificate, or his tax returns, we could once and for all put this issue to rest. However, I don’t see that happening in the near future.”
Upon hearing the report, the president promptly responded on Twitter:
Sessions promptly fired back in a press conference this afternoon, saying “I was appointed as head of the DOJ by president Trump, and members of my staff were also chosen by me. I really don’t understand why president Trump continues to pretend that the Department of Justice is ran by democrats when he appointed me. It doesn’t make sense, and only seems to serve as additional evidence supporting our original hypothesis that he’s a thirteen year old who lacks any sense of critical thinking.”
You may also enjoy reading: NASA intern loses her gig after profanity-laden tweet to Homer Hickam
Others on Twitter were equally supportive of the president, with Twitter user @CoroxB saying that he knows president Trump is an adult, because Trump is “A man who takes a dump on a solid gold throne. Just like me!”
A man who takes a dump on a solid gold throne. Just like me!
— CoroxBendix (@CoroxB) August 26, 2018
This article is satire. If you enjoyed reading this, you will also enjoy reading: Trump taps ‘Ancient Aliens’ guy as Secretary of Space Force