Trump thanks summer break for dramatic drop in school shootings

WASHINGTON, DC – Today, Donald Trump thanked summer break for playing a pivotal role in stopping the carnage of school shootings happening on an almost weekly basis in the United States.

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders explained what this meant in a press conference on Friday:

We’ve all looked at the numbers, and yes, there has been about one school shooting a week this year. But it’s important for us to not dwell on the past and keep looking forward. Thanks to President Trump’s tough negotiations with school principals, Betsy DeVos, and with climate scientists, he was able to strike a deal to end the scourge of school shootings plaguing our country by having summer break. We figure it’s the best way to prevent deaths due to gun violence in our schools – if the kids aren’t in school, they can’t get shot in the school. It’s pretty simple.

Sanders added “What do you think we’re going to do, actually pass gun control legislation? Or let the CDC investigate trends in gun violence? Pssh. Don’t be ridiculous.

Sanders continued, explaining how Trump negotiated with the climate scientists.

We looked at the numbers and noticed that, on the average, the temperature around the globe has risen 1.53 degrees Celsius since 1880. Obviously, we don’t think this is a big deal, but it works well with our plan to extend summer break from April to October. We are big supporters of the student-led learning movement, so we think this is two birds with one stone here.

The Trump administration pointed out that, with temperatures rising around the globe, our summers will become longer, meaning there will be fewer and fewer school shootings since summer break will last longer and longer.

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This is consistent with a tweet made by Trump about six months ago, where he requested “a little bit of that good old Global Warming” to help make New Year’s Eve a bit more enjoyable:


Trump added:

“I’ve seen the models. There are a lot of models. And between you and me, you know I’ve seen many, many models. And these models are some of the best models that are out there, because I only hire the best models to make my models. And all these models have shown that the models before were right, and that means I know these models are going to be right. By extending summer break, we will, once and for all, end gun violence in our schools. You’re welcome, America!”


Written by Dan Broadbent

Science Enthusiast. Atheist. Lover of cats.

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