Ah, the internet. A treasure trove of information, cat memes, and videos my kids watch on YouTube that result in them demanding I shoot a super slo-mo video of the Hot Wheels track they built from the second floor to the first floor of our house:
(Yes, I setup lights for it, and yes, our cats enjoyed it very much.)
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But it may surprise some of you to learn that the internet has rules.
Such as Rule #1 of the internet: Do not talk about /b/. And Rule #2: Do NOT talk about /b/.
The list goes on and on. Rule 14: Do not argue with trolls – it means that they win. Rule 21: Original content is original only for a few seconds before getting old. And, of course, Rule 29: In the internet all girls are men and all kids are undercover FBI agents.
Then we come to Rule 34, possibly the most famous of rules.
If it exists, there is porn of it. If there isn’t, there will be.
It’s the quantum superposition of Schrodinger’s cat: just by mentioning a certain type of porn, or a porn parody, it will cause it to exist. This is science. Don’t @ me about this.
That leads directly into… Whatever this is.
The Laygo Movie.
Because someone, somewhere said “Hey, you know what would make this story about Lego characters even better?”, and the only answer they could come up with was “Full penetration.”
I’ll admit that I’m angry at how good of a pun it is. I had a physical reaction when my wife first sent the AV Club link to me about it. As Dan Neilan (great first name) reported:
The latest release from WoodRocket’s silly smut purveyors, the film follows Rammit and Wild Piehole, a pair of horny heroes trying to save Dicksburg from utter destruction. Their weapon of choice? Rammit’s “Penis of Resistance,” of course. Of course, the plot isn’t what matters here. What matters is that these grown-ass adults are slathered in yellow paint and confined in boxy costumes that we can only assume makes thrusting damn near impossible.
I can only hope that my good friends Alice and Yvette review this on their podcast, Two Girls One Mic: The Porncast. I demand it, because I have so many questions that need answers.
Is this how Lego babies are made? Is this where those weird super tiny mini-minifigures from? Do minifigs have penises? Do Lego minifigs use birth control? Are there Lego STIs? Do Lego minifigs mate for life, like penguins do? Is Lego Batman helping to make cuckolding more mainstream? Or since he was a cuck in the original movie, is he a Dom or poly in the parody?
Alice and Yvette, we need your help answering these tough questions.