Look, let’s be real here. I’m not here to tell you what you should or should not do to your vagina. Your body, your choice after all. But let’s be real for a minute – there are some things that should absolutely, positively, 100% not go anywhere near your vagina, or any other orifice on your body for that matter. Just like your liver makes detoxes unnecessary and a waste of money, a normal, healthy woman would not need to do anything extra to ensure their vagina is clean. Vaginas clean themselves, which is why they have a discharge. And if you don’t believe me, someone even wrote a song about it.
The cervix makes its own discharge that cleans it, and any OB will tell you that having a discharge is normal. Even if you’re not sure, just call a damn doctor and ask instead of trusting something some random person put in a meme on the internet.
But, for some weird reason, people still insist on trying weird product after weird product to “cleanse” themselves. So here are some of the strangest (and kind of funny) things women put in their vaginas in 2017:
1. VapoRub for vaginas
If you’ve ever used it appropriately, then you know that this stuff is pretty potent. It has an extremely intense aroma, which is good for unclogging your sinuses, but apparently some women have put VapoRub on their vaginas. The claims range from “improving their sex life” (I guess for those who enjoy a burning sensation during sex?), “cleaning” the vagina, to even protecting against yeast infections. The thing is, it’s simply not true, and there is no evidence suggesting that VapoRub is a treatment for anything except a stuffy nose.
And to my bewilderment, it doesn’t stop there. There are oodles of websites promoting the use of VapoRub to treat things like acne, stretch marks, and more. K.
2. Vinegar for vaginas
The best use of vinegar is on potato chips with a copious amount of salt. Probably the worst use would be to take a bath in it or squirt it inside your vagina (no, internet, that is *NOT* a challenge to find even worse things to do with vinegar…). But nevertheless, there are some women who apply vinegar liberally to their lady bits with the end goal of “tightening” things down there. Other women even soaked tampons in vinegar before using them.
3. Labia lipstick. More precisely, glue.
Every woman wants a clean, dry, comfortable period. Mensez might work for you, a natural compound called Mucoadhesive, but don’t let that word frighten you. Mucoadhesives are used in all sorts of products like food, eye drops, cosmetics and medications. Mensez technology is a Chitosan based that will soon be available on very thin panty shields, when you wear them the Mensez compound causes the mucous membranes of the labia to cling together and prevents accidental leakage. It is technically a glue but it is unlike any you have ever seen, it does not feel sticky, it is nontoxic, non-allergenic, renewable, biodegradable, FDA approved for food, antibacterial (TSS) and antifungal (yeast).
The thing about this is the product isn’t actually for sale… Yet, at least. The site claims that Mensez is currently pending FDA approval. So it’s just as likely that the product doesn’t and won’t actually ever exist, and this is just a ploy to get some cheap advertising for the chiropractor. Why you would want to put anything like this on your vagina for any period of time (pun intended) is completely beyond me.
Glitter is awful. Glitter is a weapon of mass destruction. Glitter is like your drunk uncle during the holidays. Nobody wants him there, everybody hates him, you don’t know how to get rid of him, and no matter how hard you try, he keeps coming back.
Despite being the worst thing humans have created since nuclear weapons, some women have glitter bombed their vaginas. (I think “glitter bombed vaginas” is one of the most 2017 phrases that’s ever 2017’d.)
The product is called “Passion Dust Intimacy Capsules.” The very name of it makes me shudder. The product’s website says the product should be “inserted into the vagina at least one hour prior to having sexual intercourse.” The capsules will release sparkles that smell like candy. As Dr. Jen Gunter explains on her website:
Don’t Glitter Bomb Your Vagina.
Simple and easy. And the bonus is by not investing in glitter products, you can help end the scourge on humanity that is glitter.
5. Blow drying vaginas
Supposedly, this is a way to get rid of unhealthy bacteria post-coitus. But just like most other treatments or products that promise to kill bacteria, they can’t discern between which are “good” and which are “bad” bacteria, and your body actually needs some types of bacteria to help function. So this is just a silly idea all-around that could leave you killing off good bacteria while making you look completely ridiculous at the same time.
6. Yoni oil and tea
The word “Yoni” comes from Hinduism, and refers to a woman’s vulva or vagina. And because it is related to Hinduism, people automatically assume that it’s good for you, or “spiritual” (whatever the hell “spiritual” means). The product’s website cashes in on this new-age spirituality nonsense by referring to “vibes” and “energy” in your body. I am unaware of a single licensed and legitimate doctor who would say that your body has “vibes” or “energies” that need to be aligned or focused. Many oils like these have… who knows what in them? But some have tea tree oil or sugar, which can burn the mucosal lining of the vagina and cause an infection, respectively.
7. Wasp nests
What the hell? I mean, seriously. What the hell?!? Things like this is why aliens won’t visit us.
This whole thing started on Etsy during the summer of 2017 as a way for women to “tighten” their vaginas. How does it do it? Well, it doesn’t. The nests themselves are very similar to paper, and are made by wasps chewing wood into a pulp with their saliva. So congratulations, you just shoved wood and wasp spit into your vagina (and you should feel bad). The only thing this will accomplish is possibly killing off good bacteria in your vagina while creating an opportunity for an infection. If you want things to be “tight” down there, your best bet is to do kegel exercises.
That thing that is protects us from dangerous UV rays is allegedly used as a way to cure cancer and yeast infections for women. As Vice pointed out, The FDA calls ozone “a toxic gas with no known useful medical application.” This hasn’t stopped women from pumping it into their vaginas (or other people from putting it in their rectum… seriously.). As always, any good pseudoscientific product will purport to cure a wide range of diseases, despite not having any peer-reviewed research to support it. If there was a product that cured cancer or AIDS or any other currently incurable ailments, it would be international news and the creator would be collecting their Nobel Prize instead of trying to sell it on Facebook or Etsy. The fact is, there are some things we do not have a known cure for, and there is no cover-up behind it.
Now look, I’m not here to tell you what to do or not to do. If you want to get real creative and use a cucumber or something else in an intimate manner, that’s none of my business.
But again, we’ll go back to our favorite gyno – Dr. Jen Gunter – who very plainly says:
It’s probably best if you don’t insert fruit and vegetables in your vagina.
Some of the reasons include the potential for infection, abrasions to the sensitive tissue inside the vagina, and making a really odd tasting salad with a used cucumber.
10. Jade Eggs
Leave it to the vagina-steaming celebrity, Gwenyth Paltrow, to come up with something like this. Gwenyth created the company called Goop, who has been the focus of many illegal health claims this year. She even sells packets of vitamins for $90 a month on her website. Like I’ve told my podcast partner Natalie numerous times, I wish we lacked a conscience and integrity, because we could make a killing selling useless garbage like that.
I was slightly amused by the “return policy” link.
Goop claims that the rock “helps connect the second chakra (the heart) and yoni for optimal self-love and well being.” Again, I’ve never heard of a medical professional refer to your vagina as a “yoni” or your heart as a “chakra,” but okay. And just to avoid the argument of “well Dan, you’re a man, you can’t tell me what to do,” Dr. Jen Gunter weighed in on this subject by saying:
Dear Gwyneth Paltrow, I’m a GYN and your vaginal jade eggs are a bad idea.
Subtlety is Dr. Gunter’s thing.
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