Dan Broadbent
WASHINGTON, DC – The Space Force, the United States’ newest branch of the military, announced today that they will address the problem of illegal immigration on the southern border.
In a press conference today, president Donald Trump stated that he has directed the Space Force, led by world-renowned historian and post-futurist Giorgio A. Tsoukalos, to investigate the source of the illegal aliens that are coming into the United States from Mexico.
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“I really, really respect Giorgio. He basically had his own show on basic cable where he really made a name for himself, and he uncovered a plethora of history showing just what can happen when we allow aliens to interfere with our country” said Donald Trump.
Trump continued: “I mean, really. He carried the show for years and, from what people have told me, and I’ve talked to a lot of people about this who really know things about TV shows and ratings, without him, the show would’ve been cancelled after just a few episodes. Nobody – and I mean nobody – knows more about aliens than this guy. So it makes sense for him to be the one leading the charge to investigate all the illegal aliens streaming across our borders.”
“I know that some people say that there are different types of aliens, and that some can be here legally, but that’s just fake news that the democrats and Chuck Schumer want you to believe. Some people think there are “gray” aliens, some think aliens look like you and me, and others, like the creators of Independence Day, think that aliens are small but build this incredible type of protective suit that they live inside of. But it’s just not true. There’s only one kind of alien, and we really need to stop the flow of these little green men across our borders.”
“Just look at this episode of Ancient Aliens where he did a full, complete, and thorough investigation into cover-ups of aliens. Unlike the lame stream liberal media, which is owned by George Soros, ‘ol Giorgio knows a thing or two about reporting,” noted Trump.
“It was a simple decision, really. Tsoukalos knows his history – after all, you can’t be on the History Channel if you don’t know your history, that’s just a violation of federal law – and unlike the pointless Mueller investigation which has found absolutely no evidence of collusion, Giorgio can do a deep investigation into the source of these illegal aliens and finally, once and for all, get to the bottom of what’s happening.“
“So many presidents before me have tried, or maybe they didn’t try actually, to solve the problem of these aliens, but here I am now standing before you, and I think, really, that we can get this done. I mean, can you imagine? For years we’ve been trying to fix this problem and now we’re finally at a point where we might be able to fix it.”
(In case you need it explained, and didn’t read the “satire” category at the top of this post, this is satire. That means it’s a joke. It’s not real, but it could be at some point. It’s Schrödinger’s satire.)
