Court Filings Reveal Robert Mueller May Have a ‘Nude Selfie’ of Trump

Given what (and who) Bob Mueller is investigating, when HuffPo reported that a court filing may have revealed the investigation somehow obtained a “nude selfie,” it’s odd that the entire Internet wasn’t flooded with vomit. Predictably, though, Twitter is all abuzz about it.

It’s not like The Trump Era needs anything else to make it the most WTF-tastic presidential period in our history, but here we are. In open court filings, a lawyer for a Russian company being prosecuted by the Mueller team referred to nude selfie that apparently investigators got a hold of. The attorney references the selfie and asks if there are national security implications for how it was obtained.

“Could the manner in which he [Mueller] collected a nude selfie really threaten the national security of the United States?” asked attorneys for Concord Management and Consulting LLC in the memorandum filed in the U.S. District Court for the District of Columbia.

I’m not a national security expert. I don’t even play one on TV, but I tend to think most Americans would be far less worried about the national security threat to a nude selfie of the president than they would be by if the nude selfie was taken of a guy, who, oh I don’t know, is helping launder money for Russian oligarchs, or if it’s of someone who those oligarchs have very compromising materials on. Materials like…a…nude selfie.

Oh BARF.

Interestingly, the court filings in question seem to spell nothing but more headaches on the way for Trump and others. Concord’s lawyer insists that Mueller is withholding “millions of pages” of evidence from them. Whether or not that’s true remains to be adjudicated in court, but it can’t bode well for the subjects of the investigations if Mueller does in fact have so much evidence to make his case with.

The Thursday filing by Concord argues that Mueller is keeping “millions of pages” of evidence from the defendant. Mueller is seeking instead to have discussions only with the U.S. District Court for the District of Columbia regarding his investigation’s evidence “because the additional information is classified for reasons of national security,” according to Mueller’s response to Concord’s motion.

To be completely fair and unbiased, we can’t be sure at this point if the attorney for Concord Management was referring to an actual nude selfie that Mueller has, or in a hypothetical situation about one if it existed. It’s fun/vomit inducing to speculate, but the truth is that even if the selfie exists, there are so many moving parts and parties in this investigation it could be of anyone tangentially related to the Trumps, Russia, or the election.

We all know that a certain reality-TV host turned president has vehemently denied the more saucy bits of the now infamous Steele Dossier. If there is in fact a nude selfie of the president, that would seem to lend credence to at least the possibility that the alleged billionaire has enjoyed a golden shower party with Russian sex workers. Then again, that thought kicks up my gag reflex so badly, and even though there was reporting just this week that former Trump lawyer Michael Cohen’s phone put him in Prague about the time of a clandestine meeting mentioned in that same file…I’m hoping that the “nude selfie” referred to in the court filing is of, well, just about anyone else besides the president.

No one wants to see that. Not even Melania. Not with the lights on, and not until she renegotiates her pre-nup.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.