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10 crazy Bible stories that Christians conveniently ignore

It’s a strange phenomenon – I’ve noticed that Christian apologists generally have a worse understanding of the Bible than atheists. It’s full of horrible stories that counter the notion that the Christian version of god is all-knowing and all-powerful.

If God knew that humans were going to screw up being human so badly, why didn’t he stop it before it got started? It stands to reason that he was not all-knowing in that instance. If God wanted to manifest himself on Earth, why’d he have to make himself a fetus inside the “virgin” Mary? It stands to reason that he was not all-powerful in that instance.

Of course, neither of these things actually happened, but that doesn’t stop hundreds of millions of people around the world from believing that they actually did. They’ve just been indoctrinated from a young age into believing whatever their priest says.

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And what? You expected most Christians to actually read the Bible? Psssh.

So I put together a top 10 list of Bible verses that many Christians ignore or may not even be aware of.

Because after all, the best way to become an atheist is to actually read the Bible.

10. 1 Timothy 2:12

I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet.

I’ve tried using this verse when I have arguments with my wife, but it’s not very effective.

9. Deuteronomy 22:13-21

If a man takes a wife and, after sleeping with her, dislikes her and slanders her and gives her a bad name, saying, “I married this woman, but when I approached her, I did not find proof of her virginity,” then the young woman’s father and mother shall bring to the town elders at the gate proof that she was a virgin. Her father will say to the elders, “I gave my daughter in marriage to this man, but he dislikes her. Now he has slandered her and said, ‘I did not find your daughter to be a virgin.’ But here is the proof of my daughter’s virginity.” Then her parents shall display the cloth before the elders of the town, and the elders shall take the man and punish him. They shall fine him a hundred shekels[a] of silver and give them to the young woman’s father, because this man has given an Israelite virgin a bad name. She shall continue to be his wife; he must not divorce her as long as he lives.

If, however, the charge is true and no proof of the young woman’s virginity can be found, she shall be brought to the door of her father’s house and there the men of her town shall stone her to death. She has done an outrageous thing in Israel by being promiscuous while still in her father’s house. You must purge the evil from among you.

TLDR – the Bible says to kill women who have sex before they get married.

Christians like to dismiss this one by saying “oh, that’s the old testament. We don’t really pay attention to the old testament anymore since it was replaced with the new testament.”

Following this logic, I guess the whole “Ten Commandments” thing should be ignored, right? That’s in the Old Testament.

8. Deuteronomy 25:11-12

If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity.

Back-to-back with the Deut-deut!

Deuteronomy is probably my favorite parts of the Old Testament because you get a full dose of the crazy before people tone it down a bit to make it more palatable in the New Testament. It’s also one of the

7. Matthew 21:18-22

Early in the morning, as Jesus was on his way back to the city, he was hungry. Seeing a fig tree by the road, he went up to it but found nothing on it except leaves. Then he said to it, “May you never bear fruit again!” Immediately the tree withered.

When the disciples saw this, they were amazed. “How did the fig tree wither so quickly?” they asked.

Jesus replied, “Truly I tell you, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.”

Jesus just straight-up murdered a tree because it didn’t have fruit on it for him at that exact moment.

So again, do the logic here: Jesus is God. God is all-knowing and all-powerful. God got upset that the fig tree didn’t have fruit for him. God kills the tree because it didn’t have fruit.

Did God not know the tree was fruit-free? Then God is not all-knowing. Was God unable to produce fruit on the tree? Then God is not all-powerful. Besides, why would God need to eat food anyway?

6. Judges 14:6

The Spirit of the Lord came powerfully upon him so that he tore the lion apart with his bare hands as he might have torn a young goat. But he told neither his father nor his mother what he had done.

Samson was walking with his parents when he saw a lion. He decided to rip the lion apart as to not bother his parents with it. As one does.

5. Genesis 19:30-38

Lot and his two daughters left Zoar and settled in the mountains, for he was afraid to stay in Zoar. He and his two daughters lived in a cave. One day the older daughter said to the younger, “Our father is old, and there is no man around here to give us children—as is the custom all over the earth. Let’s get our father to drink wine and then sleep with him and preserve our family line through our father.” That night they got their father to drink wine, and the older daughter went in and slept with him. He was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up. The next day the older daughter said to the younger, “Last night I slept with my father. Let’s get him to drink wine again tonight, and you go in and sleep with him so we can preserve our family line through our father.” So they got their father to drink wine that night also, and the younger daughter went in and slept with him. Again he was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up. So both of Lot’s daughters became pregnant by their father. The older daughter had a son, and she named him Moab; he is the father of the Moabites of today. The younger daughter also had a son, and she named him Ben-Ammi; he is the father of the Ammonites of today.

Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed as punishment for the attempted rape of angels. Oh, and Lot’s wife was turned into salt because she looked back. Can’t forget that part that really, actually happened. 

So what happens next is Lot’s two daughters conspire to get their dad drunk so that they can get pregnant with father’s baby.

The Old Testament is full of a lot of incest. Which leads us to:

4. Genesis 9:20–21

Noah, a man of the soil, proceeded to plant a vineyard. When he drank some of its wine, he became drunk and lay uncovered inside his tent.

So yeah, this one is also weird.

Noah was about 500 years old when he and his sons allegedly built the Ark. This supposedly occurred about 4500 years ago (you know, since the same book says the Earth is around 6000 years old).

But after this 500 year old guy and his kids built a massive Ark without any modern-day equipment or cranes, after getting the penguins in Antarctica to swim to the Middle East, after getting kangaroos in Australia to hop, skip, and swim to the Middle East, and after corralling dinosaurs like tyrannosaurus rex onto the Ark (yes, they actually think that dinosaurs were on the Ark), and after the flood, Noah just gets fucking wasted and passes out naked.

And since they’re the only 8 people left on Earth after the flood, they start repopulating the Earth.

A lot of stories in the Bible just sound like incest with extra steps.

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3. Genesis 1:30

And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds in the sky and all the creatures that move along the ground–everything that has the breath of life in it–I give every green plant for food.” And it was so.

Following up on the whole “Ark” thing: Creationists believe that all animals before the flood were vegetarian. All of them. Including t-rex. They also believe this is how they made it through the flood – by eating plants they grew on the top deck of the boat.

We’ll just ignore the fact that if it’s raining for 40 days, there’s not going to be much sunshine for plants to grow.

2. 1 Samuel 18:27

Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king’s son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife.

Our penultimate verse is getting a bit freaky – with foreskins.

Basically, David wants to marry a woman, but her father (who happens to be the king) wants the foreskins of his enemies before David can get married. Which is understandable.

But the whole thing was a trap, because the king thought David would be killed in the process of gathering 100 foreskins. But he got double that amount of foreskins.

Because: foreskins.

1. Ezekiel 23:20

There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.

I can’t say I’ve ever seen a donkey’s penis before, nor have I seen the ejaculate of a horse. And I definitely didn’t think I would ever type the previous sentence and post it publicly, but here we are.

Bonus: Exodus 21:20-21

If a man beats his male or female slave with a club and the slave dies as a result, the owner must be punished. But if the slave recovers within a day or two, then the owner shall not be punished, since the slave is his property.

If your book of morals contains instructions on how to treat my slaves, then your book is not a valid source of moral code.

What are some of your favorite Bible verses that Christians forget?

You may also enjoy reading: Study: Religious beliefs linked to poor understanding of physical world

Special thanks to Christina for giving us the idea of making this list. If you have an idea for a story on aSE, feel free to reach out to us at tips@aScienceEnthusiast.com!

Written by Dan Broadbent

Science Enthusiast. Atheist. Lover of cats.

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