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Someone made a petition to rename communion wafers to ‘Jeez-Its’ and I’m here for it

I’ve long been skeptical of the effectiveness of Change.org petitions. It’s a rather simple process to use throwaway email addresses to artificially inflate the results, and the results can be ignored as easily as deleting an email. But finally, I think the perfect Change.org petition has come our way.

The petition? To rename communion wafers as “Jeez-Its.”

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Think about all the possible spinoffs. We could have white cheddar Jeez-Its. We could have jalapeño Jeez-Its. Salt and vinegar Jeez-Its.

Hell, this could completely transform the Catholic Church. It’ll help them recover from the numerous scandals they’re facing, and put a fun new spin on worship.

Instead of constantly reminding themselves of their savior’s death, they could really have some fun. They could make some amazing hors d’oeuvre instead. The options include, but certainly are not limited to:

– Topping it with a slice of deviled egg (how appropriate!) and capers

– Top it with a rockin’ bean dip

– Put salami on it with some avocado

– The sky is the limit!

I grew up Catholic most of my childhood. We were rather lazy Catholics for the most part. For a period of time, we went to church every Sunday. Then it was just on Christmas and Easter. But something happened, and I’m not sure what, but my parents decided to take my siblings and me to church every Sunday.

And it was the whole nine yards. We played serious catch-up when I was in sixth or seventh grade. First confession. Fist communion. I was even an altar boy at some point. But it was the “classes” they made us take before receiving our first communion that really sparked thoughts of doubt when I was about 12 years old.

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Because, of course, true Catholics believe that every Sunday, the priest says a few words, and transubstantiation occurs. It’s like magic!

Transubstantiation is a real trip. It’s the acceptance that a yeastless cracker becomes the flesh of a man who may or may not have existed 2000 years ago, and some grape juice (or watered down wine in the case of the church I went to) becomes his blood. The “teachers” in the first communion “class” told me it was metaphorical, however that contradicted the actual words in the Bible verses they had us read in the class.

It didn’t make sense to me when I was twelve years old, and it doesn’t make sense now.

One of my favorite shows of all time, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, explained it rather succinctly in the clip below:

You’re telling me that you believe that Christ comes back to life every Sunday in the form of a bowl of crackers, and then you proceed to just eat the man?

There’s no sense or logic in it.

But, there is sense and logic in renaming communion wafers Jeez-Its. It instills the notion that you’re supposedly cannibalizing a 2000+ year old lich (Jesus was not a zombie). But, the reincarnated transubstantiated Jesus is a cracker. So it’s the best name I can possibly think of.

So, and I don’t say this very often. I implore you to sign the online petition on Change.org. As of this posting, there were 50 signatures on the day-old petition. We can do better.

This is change can believe in.

Written by Dan Broadbent

Science Enthusiast. Atheist. Lover of cats.

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