Security Expert Says Your Sex Robot Could Be Hacked and Programmed to Kill You

Advancements in robotics and AI have made sex robots a thing, and I for one think that by and large that’s a good thing for society.

I have no data to back this up, but I have a feeling that if more people embraced having a robot they could sublimate their human sexual desires with when actual human isn’t available, things like sexual harassment and assault might actually go down. I’m not saying every rapist would rather have a sex robot or anything that silly, I just wonder how many sexual misconduct cases might be avoided altogether if the perpetrator had themselves a sex robot instead.

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Sex robots, or androids in general, certainly could help bring companionship and relational conversations into someone’s life if they’re an introvert, or have even recently lost a loved one. Once we get passed any antiquated taboos about doinking a bot, what we’re left with is the fact that sex robots are just the next evolutionary step up from other sexual enhancement devices.

But there are definitely concerns that we should have about our sex robots, and one of them is whether or not they are safe from the standpoint of cyber security. I know the topic of sex robots is easy comical fodder, because I actually wrote a piece called “5 Ways Your Sex Robot Is Telling You They’re Ready To Be Programmed To F**k Other People,” last year, and I wrote it when I found a story about data security and robotics experts warning that internet-capable sex robots could be hacked and turned into killing machines.

I’m not kidding.

“Hackers can hack into a robot or a robotic device and have full control of the connections, arms, legs and other attached tools like in some cases knives or welding devices,” Nicholas Patterson, a cybersecurity lecturer at Deakin University in Melbourne, Australia, told theStar. (Newsweek)

Gives new meaning to the line in Terminator, “Come with me, if you want to live,” huh? Kidding aside, weaponizing a sex robot is definitely a terrifying thought. Underneath all the latex and human clothing are real machines, made up of hardware that is quite strong and could totally kill you.

“Often these robots can be upwards of 200 pounds and very strong. Once a robot is hacked, the hacker has full control and can issue instructions to the robot. The last thing you want is for a hacker to have control over one of these robots. Once hacked they could absolutely be used to perform physical actions for an advantageous scenario or to cause damage.”

Considering that sex robots are used in the most intimate and vulnerable of situations, worrying about how secure they are is actually a good thing. I mean, I think it’d make for a pretty cool plot device to have James Bond attacked by a sex robot gone mad, but —

Wait a minute! I’ve seen that scenario before, I know it!

Okay, I’m sorry. I keep finding comical ways to reference murderous sex robots. I can’t help it. I’m a product of my generation, and for most of my life a sex robot going rogue and killing you was the stuff of literal comedies. It’s not my fault that I laugh like an adolescent when I find out that hackers found security holes in a Bluetooth buttplug (I have now crossed another phrase off my writer’s bucket list) that could conceivably be used to control people’s emotions and thoughts and actions.

In all seriousness, one researcher into the security risks of sex robots summed up the situation perfectly. Sex robots can definitely be a net positive for society in general, but we have to make sure at the same time we develop helpful tech, we don’t leave it wide open for abuse, no matter how kind of always hilarious it’ll be.

“The possible clinical and societal benefits of neurotechnologies are vast. To reap them, we must guide their development in a way that respects, protects and enables what is best in humanity.”

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a “friend” to take off my home’s Wi-Fi network…

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.