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Masturbation at work is a doctor-approved way to relieve stress

I don’t want to jerk you guys around too much, so I’m going to get straight out to it, and give you the hard facts, as they’re being released and given to us: spanking it at work is good for you, according to…at least this one psychologist.

Mark Sergeant, a senior lecturer in psychology at Nottingham Trent University, told Metro.co.uk that a masturbation break would be “very effective at work” and a “great way to relieve tension and stress.” (NY Post)

Whether what Mark says is true or not — and on its face his argument definitely carries a factual load — can you imagine the moaning people would do? After all, people already get irked by how often smokers take breaks. Imagine the water cooler talk if Susan in accounting has to take three buzz breaks a day? It could definitely make for a sticky situation for any HR department to have to wade through that particular mine field.

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Still, Sergeant is not the only one who thinks we should be seriously considering giving each other the social courtesy to take a masturbation break at work.

Psychologist and life coach Dr. Cliff Arnall agreed. “I would expect a masturbation policy to result in more focus, less aggression, higher productivity, and more smiling,” he told Metro. “Certainly taking a masturbation break for boredom or an escape would increase work focus.”

Dr. Arnall does remind me how often I used to get when I worked at a hamburger stand. I think this brings up a good argument for regulating which industries we would want to be able to take dolphin flogging breaks. Pretty sure we’d all agree the food industry should be the first ones excluded. Then maybe airline pilots.

Giving priests that permission though, could spare a lot of children millions in therapy bills over their lifetimes Gotta weigh those pros and cons, people.

You may also enjoy reading: Masturbation makes you gay, at least according to the Mormon Church.

Speaking of cons…

Sergeant warned that “introducing any form of sexual behavior to a workplace could be seen as a slippery slope that makes people think that other forms of sexual behavior, such as those linked to harassment, are more acceptable.”

Arnall says if you’re going to adopt a pro-chicken chokin’ policy, you you have to lay out very strict guidelines to the staff to keep their masturbatory activity clinical, and to keep their coworkers out of their spank banks.

According to Arnall, however, masturbation breaks shouldn’t be driven by lust or fantasizing about a colleague as this would “likely result in cognitive impairment.” Such breaks should only be taken if they’re motivated by a genuine desire for stress relief.

All this talk of jerk-off breaks at works makes me think about the dude in Dan’s story that shot his arm full of eight doses of his own semen. With a syringe. He put his baby batter in syringes and injected himself. Eight. Times.

Don’t worry. He apparently is doing just fine.

The man was treated with an antimicrobial injection, and eventually discharged himself after his back pain dissipated. Hopefully he learned a valuable lesson and has been able to resume his normal daily life.

But I wonder if he was taking time to do his creative new therapy techniques on the clock or not.

I’m not one to call myself a prude. I am definitely not an old fashioned boomer or anything. However, in light of the “Me Too” movement and our big social push to change societal attitudes toward sexual norms, I’ll stick to my coffee breaks at work and leave the masturbating where it belongs. Denny’s bathrooms, and abandoned church parking lots.


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

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