FLINT, MI – Following the resignation of a twerp who never should have been appointed as head of the EPA in the first place, Donald Trump announced today that Pruitt’s successor will be a glass of tap water from the city of Flint, Michigan.
Local residents were shocked by the decision, as both the ‘leader of the free world’ and the Environmental Protection Agency seem to have ignored the ongoing water crisis in Flint since Trump took office.
Local resident Alisha Cibrowski was excited about president Trump’s decision to choose someone so diverse:
I think this is great for the city of Flint, and for America. Flint Tap Water is sure to be the purest member of his entire cabinet!
It’s amazing to see this type of diversity in the highest levels of our government! When you hear things about migrant children being separated from their parents and kept in cages, it’s easy to think that president Trump is a racist demagogue who has no idea what he’s doing as president. But this nomination really puts all those fears to rest for me.
After all, who would have expected him to nominate someone who was so brown to lead the organization?
Media outlets were shocked, because just yesterday Trump had announced that former coal lobbyist Andrew Wheeler, currently the deputy chief of the EPA, would fill Pruitt’s role as acting administrator. This just goes to show that the ‘art of the deal’ knows no timelines!
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Later in a press conference, Trump elaborated on the unexpected decision:
I know there are a lot of candidates out there who are very, very qualified. And believe me, this was not an easy decision. Not an easy decision at all. But what we, the American people, need now as a country is stability and consistency like never before. So important, it really is. The situation in Flint has been the same for years now, and that’s very respectable. Very respectable. That’s called making a commitment and sticking with it – something all of us, really, can take a lesson from.
No one understands the situation in Flint better than the tap water. That’s so important. You just can’t get that type of firsthand experience nowadays, in this economy.
And who knows the black community better than Flint Tap Water?
(In case you need it explained, and didn’t read the “satire” category at the top of this post, this is satire. That means it’s a joke. It’s not real. Except the stuff about Andrew Wheeler being a former coal lobbyist and being the current acting director of the EPA. That’s completely and totally real and should scare the shit out of you. Read my article about it.)