As much as living next to people you get along with and enjoy can make life more enjoyable, having terrible neighbors can ruin your entire life. I would say that neighbors who pull stupid drunken pranks on you in the middle of the night qualify as “bad neighbors.”
If you’re a terrible neighbor who likes to get drunk and pull pranks on the people living next to you, you may want to consider what they do for a living before planning your next one. The story of geologist Melissa Scruggs is a case study in a backfiring prank.
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Scruggs has neighbors who got drunk and decided to roll a massive boulder in front of her car, and her tweet about the prank and how she handled it has gone crazy viral. And why did they roll that giant boulder in front of Melissa’s car, you ask? Because she had the audacity to ask them to move their car, repeatedly, so she could go to work in the morning.
In which my asshat neighbors decided to be complete drunken fecalwads by rolling a giant #sandstone boulder in front of my car, but forgot that I am a tiny #geologist who has access to a VERY loud auto-chipper at 7:30 am: a story in 4 pictures. #problemsolving #NowICanWrite pic.twitter.com/ZqPlheF4SM
— Melissa Scruggs (@VolcanoDoc) January 19, 2019
Because irony is a thing, and because it’s a pretty cool and funny thing, clearly Melissa’s neighbors had zero clue what job it was she was going to, that made her have to inconvenience them so very much. If they had been better neighbors and asked her what her job was one of those times they had to move their car, they’d have known that putting a giant rock in front of a rock expert’s car wouldn’t do much to stop her.
That’s because as a geologist, Scruggs had some pretty awesome tools for working with rocks, since you know, rocks are literally how she makes her living.
So, Melissa broke out those awesome rock tools and applied her extensive knowledge of boulders — which are I believe giant versions of these called “rocks” — and set herself to the task of breaking up the massive boulder that her oh-so-hilarious neighbors rolled in front of her car.
Melissa guided her jackhammers skillfully, finding just the right places she needed to break it up.
Unsurprisingly, it wasn’t very long and Scruggs had completely broken down the boulder into much smaller, much more manageable pieces. No word on whether what was left resembled what was inside her neighbors’ heads, but I wouldn’t be surprised if this pile of rocks looked a lot like what they call their “brains.”
Hopefully the tale of Melissa Scruggs, the mighty boulder, and her mightier jackhammer serves as an important lesson for all drunken neighbors: Don’t mess with the scientist next door. Not unless you want your stupidity and ignorance to go mega-viral.
You can follow Melissa on Twitter as @VolcanoDoc!
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.