I like to expose myself to a pretty wide variety of people all over the political spectrum in order to write political satire. I frequent right-wing and left-wing social media channels every day, so I feel like I get exposed to just about everything out there. In all my years writing hopefully funny fake news stories, I’ve never encountered “Coach” Dave Daubenmire, who according to his website is a veteran football coach who became politically active when the ACLU sued him in the 1990’s for forcing the players he was coaching to pray. After Dan sent me a clip that Right-Wing Watch found of Daubenmire blasting Mayor Pete Buttigieg, I can honestly say that I’m glad I have never encountered him, and well, I hope I never do again.
To give you an idea of the level of religious sycophancy we’re dealing with here: Daubenmire claims a victory in that suit because “After a two year battle for his 1st amendment rights and a determination to not back down, the ACLU relented and offered coach an out of court settlement.” I LOL’d at that pretty hard.
Apparently, Mr. Daubenmire is a big ol’ Trump fan. I’m not just saying that because he’s a right-wing evangelical Christian. I mean, if anything, you would think that description of someone would preclude them supporting a serial womanizer and liar, given that adultery and lying are two of the big commandments they’re not supposed to break. But I don’t have to assume he’s a Trump supporter, because Dan sent me a tweet with a video clip of him saying, and this is very real, “Donald Trump knows what to do in the bedroom. Mayor Buttsex doesn’t even understand that.”
"Donald Trump knows what to do in the bedroom. Mayor Buttsex doesn't even understand that." pic.twitter.com/lqOFvu1WF0
— Right Wing Watch (@RightWingWatch) April 25, 2019
I’ve noticed something in my almost 39 years of life on this planet, people Daubenmire have an outright obsession with other peoples’ sex lives. For all the words in the Bible, I don’t remember ever reading the ones that command Jesus’ followers to pry into the private bedtime affairs of other people. Granted, the Bible has some iffy stuff about homosexuality that isn’t congruent with modern life, but the relationship between the person allegedly sinning and God is a private one, it’s not a threesome, no matter what Coach Dave thinks.
Also, can things get any more disgusting than invoking Donald Trump’s sex life? I mean, we know for a fact he’s cheated on literally every wife he’s had, but that’s not even the horrifying stuff. Sure, Donald Trump “knows what to do in the bedroom,” but by his own admission, he apparently knows what he’d do in the bedroom with his own daughter, Ivanka. If I were Daubenmire I wouldn’t go around invoking Donald Trump’s bedroom romps as evidence of anything but his own complete and total degeneracy.
Daubenmire is unwittingly exposing the purest hypocrisy of right-wing Christians of the last half century. Electing a man like Trump, with Trump’s well-documented lifestyle and personal choice history, shows that it was never about finding a moral, upstanding guy to be president to them. It was about finding the guy who would pander to their desire to be shitty to gay people, immigrants, and well, just about everyone who doesn’t comport to their ideas of what Americans look like, sound like, or who they worship or don’t worship.
We all know why Coach Dave and others are scared of Mayor Pete. He’s articulate. He’s a Christian. He’s openly gay, and what really scares them the most? He’s popular. Probably would be more popular than their neon, orange-tinted God they’ve made.
Joe Biden just announced his candidacy, so who knows, really, whether the much younger and inexperienced Buttigieg will be around until the primary race really heats up. Biden’s been polling at the top of the field since well-before he announced his run officially. However, it shows you just how desperate and intellectually destitute Trump supporters are if they’re going to stoop to the kinds of jokes we used to make in school back in the ’90’s, before we all grew the hell up and stopped making those idiotic jokes.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.