Crisis Actor Calls for Followers to Fight Back by Buying More Merch

AUSTIN, TEXAS – A day after learning his show was banned from YouTube, Apple, Spotify, and Facebook, a professional crisis actor has called for his adherents to fight back against the liberal elite by buying more of his merchandise.

Alex Jones and InfoWars generate a sizeable amount of their income from peddling merchandise ranging from survival gear to diet supplements to moistened wipes.

Yes, for the low price of $9.95, you too can get a pack of eight “pH optimized” tactical bath wipes, a broad spectrum hygiene wipe that you can use on your taint.

And you really need to buy them, because this is just like the Alamo, ancient Rome, and probably even World War II combined.

Summoning the Alamo, Roman gladiators and the First Amendment, right-wing conspiracy theorist Alex Jones is calling on his Infowars followers to rise up against anti-Trump “sociopaths” who he says are behind the removal of his Infowars programming from most major social media platforms.

“We knew this was coming,” Mr. Jones said on his radio show on Monday. “They tried to break all the Republicans, persecute people. Trump broke through their bullying and lies. We stood beside him, and now they want to take out the press from under him, and they want to use me as the distorted poster child to do it. They think you’re weak.”

“Don’t forget the financial support; that is the strongest thing you can do to make sure that we continue on and are strong in the fight,” he said. Referring listeners to his online store, he said, “Go there today and send them a strong message that you stand for the First Amendment, you stand for us and get air filtration, water filtration, optics, preparedness gear, high quality storable foods, supplements that are so good for you and your family.

“Feed your gladiator,” he concluded.


I’m sure the request for funds has nothing at all to do with the fact that multiple families who were victims of the Sandy Hook shooting have sued Alex Jones for defamation. That’s just a coincidence.

Here at, we don’t sell “high quality foods.” We just post pictures of catstronauts like the one below and tell you that if you order using this link, you can get 20% off. Because it’s a cat in space. Who doesn’t want that?

Jones has admitted to being a crisis actor, and officially did so in court during a child custody hearing.

So why wouldn’t you want to help a struggling multi-million dollar actor like Jones?

First they came for Alex Jones & Infowars – but I wasn’t a race-baiting transphobic conspiracy cultist who claims murdered children in Newtown are hoaxes and admitted in court that I’m just an entertainer who makes shit up, so I said nothing.— John Fugelsang

Written by Dan Broadbent

Science Enthusiast. Atheist. Lover of cats.

Both Facebook and YouTube have completely banned Alex Jones

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