A group that calls themselves the “Death List Committee” has put out its annual list of celebrities and rank them according to who is more likely to die in the coming year. According to their website, 2017 was a record year with 17 of the people on their list passing away. For the purposes of clarifying who is “eligible” to have their name added to the list, here are the official DeathList rules:
The rules of DeathList are summarised as follows: Candidates must be famous enough such that their death is expected to be reported by the UK media; Candidates cannot be famous solely for the fact they are likely to die in the near future and only 25 candidates can reappear from the previous year’s list.
Unsurprisingly, the top name on the 2019 edition of the Death List is actor Kirk Douglas, who is 103 years old. Considering Douglas suffered a major stroke about a decade ago, one would think he’d be a safe bet, but he’s already defied the odds so much, could he hang on another year? Douglas held the top spot last year as well.
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This year’s list had an interesting pairing on the seventh and eighth spots. The number seven hole was filled by dictator Robert Mugabe, while right behind him in spot eight is former U.S. president Jimmy Carter. The two men’s life philosophies couldn’t be more opposed, but there they are right next to each other on the list. Both men are 95 years old.
In the “Oh She Better Not!” category is the inimitable national treasure Betty White. This is the Golden Girl’s third appearance on the list, and she’s currently occupying the 18th position, which is down seven from last year. So at least they’re moving this amazing woman down a few spots, despite her being 97 years old. Let’s just hope she hangs on until we fully develop human cloning.
The Death List is also really good for finding out which celebrities you were absolutely certain were dead, but are actually the opposite of dead. I had no idea, for instance, that actress Doris Day is still alive. She’s 97 and holds the ninth spot on the 2019 Death List.
I was actually a little surprised not to find Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg on the list, if only because she’s 85 years old and just had treatment for lung cancer. The most recent cancer treatments were done early, when nodules were found during a chest scan after she took a fall. And this is her third bout with cancer, so as much as we all love the Notorious RBG, it could be the year we lose her.
You might think this would be a good place for me to slip in a sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek plug for adding a certain tangerine tinted white collar crook who currently occupies the White House to the list, and sure, it is. But considering that even if that corpulent carbuncle kicks the bucket, we’d get stuck with Mikey Pence, and I’m still not sure which is worse at this point. Besides, that bloated, bloviating butt blister has Secret Service protection and clearly cholesterol is taking wayyyy too long to be effective, so here’s to the continued health of one of America’s finest D-list reality TV trust fund racists!
Who would you put on the Death List?
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.