Tucker Carlson Is Hilariously Freaking Out About Gingerbread Junk

There are so many vital, important issues that face Americans every day, and it’s really very nice that one of America’s most watched cable television news networks is laser-focused on the truly important things. Like, you know, what genitalia your gingerbread cookies are packin’.

This week, Tucker Carlson, Fox News’ white nationalist famous for all his “Did I just fart, or was that you?” reactions to things he doesn’t agree with, started up a Yule log of Christo-panic when he warned Americans that the citizens of Libtardia have taken the War on Christmas to a new battlefront.

“The war on Christmas is a global struggle,” Carlson somberly said to intro the Tuesday night segment. “In the parliament of Scotland–they have a national parliament–the coffee shop has stopped selling gingerbread men. Why? Gender specific. They’re not called gingerbread people, you don’t want to give them a gender without their consent.” (WokeSloth)

I am particularly tickled by a guy like Carlson getting his nutcracker in a twist over this. I mean, I thought that Tucker loved the free market so much he doesn’t believe in any regulation whatsoever. After all, if we start telling businesses they can’t deny services to people based on race or sexual orientation, we can’t really claim to live in America anymore. But when a private company decides its clientele might enjoy something, he goes all Tucker on it.

That’s irony that’s far too delicious to leave on the plate. Pick it up, take a bite. Relish the saltiness of conservatives getting so triggered by a single bakery not specifying the gender of its cookies. Because yes, you are living in the timeline where cookie balls or anti-balls are triggering to people who routinely repeat the mantra, “f**k your feelings.”

By the way, I grew up in a small mountain town, so it’s entirely possible I’m missing out on something, but when have we ever seen what a gingerbread person is packing in their crotchular zone? All the ones I’ve seen are all as empty there as a Ken doll or a president whose junk allegedly looks like a certain mushroom-shaped video game character from the 80’s. So I never once found myself actually caring, one way or the other, what the pretend gender of something I was literally going to just be shoving into my face is or isn’t.

Of course, we all know why Tucker is losing his mind over this subject right now — the Fox News crowd seems unwilling to let go of their gender-binary views. They freak out about transgender bathroom access despite there being literally no evidence that sexual assaults happen more in places where trans people have access to the restroom they want to use. So Tucker freaks out about gingerbread wangs as if that’s a moral hill he’s willing to die on to keep feeding their need to deny reality about gender.

There’s also this extremely valid point:

Something tells me Tucker might be a little distracted by all the sponsors leaving his show. In case you’ve missed it — several companies have decided to stop advertising on Carlson’s Fox News show because he said that America is made “poorer and dirtier” by admitting immigrants. After being called out for it, he simply doubled-down, and that’s when sponsors started fleeing, and Tucker started complaining about censorship.

So far, sixteen companies have dropped Carlson, and I have never wanted to buy a Bowflex dye my hair with Just for Men, or open a TD Ameritrade account more in my life.

I’d love to point out to Tucker that censorship would be his government, or even his bosses, silencing his speech for political reasons. All these companies that are ditching him are doing is defending their profit margins by not being associated with at toxic racist. Maybe Tucker’s in such a lather over being dropped like a hot rock by the sponsors that he stopped caring about his conservative bonafides long enough to complain about a private company selling what they want to whomever they want.

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.News, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.