REPORT: DOJ debating charging president Donald Trump as an adult

WASHINGTON, DC – On the heels of Michael Cohen’s guilty plea, the Department of Justice is rumored to be discussing whether or not they should charge president Donald Trump as an adult once he’s formally indicted.

“It’s really not a matter of if we’re going to indict president Trump, but a matter of how we go about doing it,” said attorney general Jeff Sessions, head of the Department of Justice. “What it comes down to is the fact that president Trump’s behavior is really more consistent with a 13 year old kid who just gained access to social media, rather than a 72 year old man who has the ability to start World War III.”

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Sessions continued, adding “never before in the history of the DOJ have we had so much trouble trying to determine how old the President of the United States actually is. Perhaps if president Trump would publicly release his birth certificate, or his tax returns, we could once and for all put this issue to rest. However, I don’t see that happening in the near future.”

Upon hearing the report, the president promptly responded on Twitter:

Sessions promptly fired back in a press conference this afternoon, saying “I was appointed as head of the DOJ by president Trump, and members of my staff were also chosen by me. I really don’t understand why president Trump continues to pretend that the Department of Justice is ran by democrats when he appointed me. It doesn’t make sense, and only seems to serve as additional evidence supporting our original hypothesis that he’s a thirteen year old who lacks any sense of critical thinking.”

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Others on Twitter were equally supportive of the president, with Twitter user @CoroxB saying that he knows president Trump is an adult, because Trump is “A man who takes a dump on a solid gold throne. Just like me!”